An Angry Word

This might be the oddest thing you have ever read, but do you think an upper case N looks angry?

Well I do and I honestly don't know why.  It might be because of the words it starts or the points you just can't smooth out.  One word I find to be very angry is "No".  Whenever I hand write this is makes me feel so sad and afraid.  And yes I am aware of how weird this sounds.  But "No" often times is followed by disappointments, hurt feelings, sadness, and anything else less than desirable.  But "No" is a word that is a necessary evil. We are afraid to say "No" because of what? Because you think it looks scary too?  Maybe you don't realize it, but you're afraid of the word "No" as well.  Perhaps not for the same reasons I am but reasons non the less.  

Are you afraid to tell someone "No"?

Are you afraid of being told "No"?

Does that word send a chill up your spin? It does mine, it sends signals to brace myself for disappointments and dreams fallen.  But why am I so afraid of a fall, of being told "No"?  Maybe it's from past disappointments or simply my personality.  I tend to get very excited and look forward to things a lot.  Which leads to many disappointments and in a sense a fear of being told "No".  But then again "No" is a part of life.  Without "No" we live lives of obligations and not freedoms.  We have to be able to tell someone "No".  We have to be able to use that scary upper case N to allow ourselves freedom over our own lives.

"No" is a two way scary word.  We fear getting told "No" and we fear telling others "No".  We fear the rejection and the disappointments we will cause others.  But if you think about it "N" and "O" are by each other in the alphabet.  "No" is everywhere.   "No"one else seems to have a problem saying "No".  Your parents don't, your teachers don't, your friends don't, so why is it only you?  Or do you have a problem saying "No"?  

Back to the upper case "N", is it the letter itself I am afraid of or the words I associate with it?  "No" isn't the only word the sends a chill up my spin and I'm sure you have words that do the same.  It's interesting to me how letters strung together in different orders can have so many different meanings connected to them.  The human brain is an amazing thing, but sometimes it does make us feel things that aren't necessarily true.  Like a fear of an upper case letter.  How we associate things amazes me.  After all that's what I have done here, I have associated anger with a letter.  

Before you go off and judge people for their views or how they associate things, first think about how you view the world.  Everyone thinks and views the world differently. Stay opened minded because you never know what you'll find when you stop and listen to the views and opinions of others.  Who knows you might even find someone else that thinks a letter is angry. 

Annaliese~

Resisting Myself

Sometimes I feel like there's no hope. None. Nil. 

I feel stuck in a cycle of mass perfection that won't stop. I always have a need to cross every t and dot every i. Every mistake in my life I earnestly try to fix, and if I can't, I bury it deep inside of me so no one will ever see that I made a mistake. That I am a mistake. 

I can't ever say"no," either. I mean, why would I? My life doesn't revolve around me - it revolves around other people. About a month ago, I tried doing some things for myself and consequently had an emotional breakdown from feeling so selfish. Was I being selfish? No, but I sure as heck felt selfish. When it comes to putting myself or others first, I will always pick others. 

It's an odd feeling - feeling hardwired that is. Rationally, I know I need to make time for myself and listen to my own needs, but the way my psyche works, it goes against everything in my being to say, "Buy that for yourself. You deserve it." When I have a nice night out with a friend, I feel guilty. When I watch one too many episodes on Netflix, I feel guilty. When I haven't spent enough time with my family for the week, I feel guilty. When I promise someone I would do something for them but get sick, I feel guilty. When I spend too much time on Pinterest instead of studying, I feel guilty.

Does the guilt ever end? I used to think not, but as of late, I've started to change my mind. I don't won't to be stuck in this vicious cycle of perfectionism all my life. I want to be able to let go and enjoy life. I want to do things spur-of-the-moment and not feel guilty. I WANT all these things, and the only way I'm going to achieve them is if I my make a conscious decision to resist myself. To resist the lies that have been ingrained in my head and become someone who I really want to be - the actual person I am. I've got to be okay with letting my mistakes and my past bubble to the surface. I can't hide the things that have made me who I am. I have to embrace them and learn from them. 

Every morning I have to look in the mirror and say, "You are allowed to say no. Say no to the perfectionism. Say no to the lies. Say no to the people." 

If you think this is selfish, maybe you should step back and look at your own life. Is saying "yes" to yourself really that selfish? It could be the difference between life or death for someone - literally. One of the sole reasons why young teens today commit suicide is because they can never say "no" to other people. They don't know how know to say no to the lies, bullying, and screaming in their head, so they permanently fix it.   

It's a long and hard struggle. Trying to become someone new is never easy, but it IS possible and it's worth it. Why is it worth it? 

Because I'm worth it. 

Without we are Nothing...

Without this we are nothing.  Our lives have no purpose. You could have the whole world but without this one small thing, our lives are worthless.  Love, without love we have nothing, we are nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-7 say,
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I am nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I am nothing. If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I am bankrupt without love.

Love feeds everything. I did a speech on how to love yourself the other day because I know that the world we live in is ripping us apart. We are ripping ourselves apart.  Never forget that you too are deserving of the love and forgiveness you so willingly share with others. And never tare people apart in the hope of building yourself up, negativity will only bring negativity.  Start with yourself first because once you are made whole you will begin to heal others in a way you never knew possible. You must know a deep love within yourself to be able to give a love the depth of the ocean would be jealous of. Because after all, don't we all want a love so deep we barely understand it. Love that goes the extra mile when we didn't think it could take on more step.

Loves a funny thing that most people don't fully understand, but it doesn't need to be understood just given and taken without strings are contingency.

Remember to love often, making sure that the love is warm and strong, making the hardest people soft and comforted. We all deserve love, so don't hold it back because you don't think the person needs or deserves it. Because most likely they are the ones who desire it the most.  Don't forget that you too need to forgive yourself, because forgiveness is the beginning of love.

Annaliese~

Life calls for stupidity

Life calls for stupidity. Wait what? Yes you read that right, life calls for stupidity.  Now before you freak out let me explain.  Stupidity is one thing we are surrounded with and long to escape from; however, without it we wouldn't have the guts to do anything.  Stupid is what leads us to do the crazy.  Maybe its a stupid idea to take a gap year, but without that you may not grow in a way that molds you into a strong person.  Stupid ideas often lead to wonderful endings. Just make sure you don't leave your brain behind when you go off on your "stupid" adventure.  Because often times people mistake an opportunity to grow for a stupid idea and a wast of time.  But just because others don't see the value in what you want to do and put your time and effort into doesn't mean its less or a stupid idea.  Make sure your outside the box and growing in every detraction without the restricting walls you had will staying in a safe and smart comfort zone.

All good things in life call for a hint of stupidity because without stupidity we don't have the guts to do anything.  How many people do you think looked at the light bulb and thought, "dude that is such a stupid idea we already have lamps that burn with fire."  Know in your heart that no matter how crazy, stupid, and out there an idea is if its your dream to do it, follow your heart and show those peoples that stupid sometimes leads to greatness.

A lot of our feelings need "stupid" to work.

Bravery takes stupidity.  No sane person will stand up and go against the norm because they may be judged or looked at as a stupid weirdo.

It takes stupidity to fall in love. No sane person puts themselves out there knowing full well they could get hurt.  It takes a crazy, stupid love to do that to yourself.  It takes bravery and like i said before bravery needs a hint of stupid to work.

It takes stupidity to follow your dreams and passions when they take you off the "safe and smart" path that has been pre-paved for you.

If you look at it most things need the boldness stupid brings to the table.

I'm not saying being stupid is a good thing.  I'm saying if someone says your dream is stupid, show them just how stupid their little box is they are trying to squeeze you into.

Now aren't you glad you have some stupidity in you?

Annaliese~

Growing up

Who says you have to be miserable when you grow up?  Well I was talking to the wonderful Ms. Devin today complaining about how I was sleep deprived, hungry, lost, lonely and a whole bunch of other things.  And she said that was part of growing up.  But why I ask!  Why do I have to be miserable to grow up?  I don't think I should at all.  I know life has more to hold than being miserable in my pursuit of growing up.  Life should be fun, full of adventures, but most of all NOT MISERABLE!

If your life isn't what you want it to be find some motivation and change it.  The only thing stopping you from living a life you absolutely love, is you.  Your lack of drive.  Your lack of motivation.  Your lack of passion.  It all comes back to you and how hard you are willing to work for your dreams.  Can life suck, yes of course.  Will it be full of trials, heartache, nights of crying yourself to sleep, absolutely.  But that has nothing to do with growing up and everything to do with life.   But you know what?  You can change the life you have right now.  You hold the power to change the course you're taking right now, you hold the power over your own life.

People live in a mindset of powerlessness over their own life. Whether it be because of school, work, family, or whatever, they don't feel like they have the power to control their own life, their own destiny.  Drop out of school if its not helping you reach your goals or switch majors.  Find a new job that fulfills your dreams.  Don't let your parents opinions or beliefs hold yours back.  Know when to speak up but also know when words are better left unsaid.  Don't be afraid to stand up and go against everything everyone is saying because it goes against what they think you are.  What does it matter what they think you are, they aren't you.  They hold no power over your life. They don't know what battles you fight or what you have already been through.  How can they possible know what your heart longs to do when they haven't felt the things you have.  People are quick to judge with the small amount of information they have about you.  They think they know you by the chapter they have walked into but in fact you are a whole novel.

Be bold in who you are as a person.  I've talked before about being 100% you and age will help with that.  As we grow up we find ourselves, we become truer to ourselves.  Or maybe just more confident in being ourselves.  Regardless of the reasoning behind it age does change us.  I believe it has less to do with age and more to do with experiences.  Because what is age anyways but a numerical representation of the amount of time we have been here.  And only humans worry about time.  Naturally time doesn't exist it's only a figure of our imagination.

Shouldn't we be more focused on the quality of the "time" we spend together than the amount?  Age, time, deadlines, going through the motions of a modern life all of this is new.  We made our lives miserable in the pursuit of happiness. We forget what we are truly after and trie to please those around us.  What's that saying "Never get so busying making a living that you forget to make a life." Or something like that.  Reminder that, the things on this world are only temporary so focus on your life not your living.  Is money nice? What about a big house?  Lots a fancy things?  Yes all of those are good, but what about your dreams or ambition?

Would your five year old self be proud of who you are?  Would they be happy with your choices?  Did you follow your dreams in becoming the person you longed to be?  Or did you let the adult "grown up" world crush you? I surly hope not.  I hope you haven't lost your sense of adventure and imagination.

Take a step back and just breath today.  Relax a little and look at where you are.  Are you truly happy with the track you are on.  Or are you miserable in your pursuit of happiness?  That's a funny thing to think about, isn't it?

Keep pushing, you'll find what you're looking for in your pursuit of a life worth living.

Annaliese~

Can I tell you something?

The title may sound shocking but fear not!  I'm only here to inform you that I cannot eat pineapple......Yep that's right ye old friend here who named the blog can't even eat the tropical fruit its name comes from.

Now you might be thinking

"Annaliese why would you name it after something you can't eat?"

 Well I have no idea.  But I mean pineapples are cool and so are Devin and I so why not?  I happen to love pineapple which makes it hard not to eat.  I'm not allergic I don't think...*sweats nervously*... just very sensitive to the flesh eating enzymes in it.  So whenever I eat it my mouth gets raw and my throat hurts.  Every once in awhile I'll eat it because I mean a life without pineapple isn't a life. Am I right? Or am I right?  Pineapple is a wonderful fruit if only it was nicer to me.  Seems like the worlds against me sometimes, but oh well looks like I'll have to be my own hero after all and save myself from a sore throat and a raw mouth.

I hope this more light hearted post brightened your day.  I love you to the moon and back.

OXOX
Annaliese~

Tulips

I talk a good bit about loving without strings and you might be thinking what in the world does loving without strings mean!  Well its actually pretty simple to explain, but one of the hardest things to do.  Loving without strings to me mean an unconditional love but so much more.  If you could some up love into one sentence what would it be?  Would it be a passionate, lustful, action of a feeling that takes your breath away.  Or would it be acting silly, cuddling, late nights looking at the stars and falling just a little harder?   Maybe it's nether of those.  Love is different for each person, everyone loves differently at different levels.  Some people can't handle the love some give, others crave a deeper love.  Ones not more right or wrong its just who you are and what you want.  All that matters is that the love that is given is given out of love.  Not for something, its given without strings attached.  Once you start expecting something in return is the moment you should realize you don't truly love them.

A pure love doesn't need anything in return because loving them and seeing them happy is all that you need. You might be thinking why in the world is there a picture of red tulips on a page about loving without stings. Let my explain my madness to you.  My favorite flower is a red tulip they are so elegant and simple, yet full of beauty.  I could go on and on about them but for your sack I'll stop pouring out my love for tulips. 

Back to why there's a picture here.  A red tulip, according to google, means pure love, or perfect love.  I don't think humans are capable of a perfect love though so I'm going with pure.  A pure love of no strings attached.  I think we all long for that, a love so simple it feels natural, effortless.  

Are we capable of a pure love, a love that knows no limits?  I honestly don't know, I've never felt a love I would say was pure in intentions. Yes, I know the love of my family members but that's it for yours truly.  Am I missing out on life not knowing something I fantasies over?  That's for the ones that know a pure love to decide and tell me.  But how do you know you have a pure love? What's the deciding factor defining a "love" and a "pure love"? Are some people easier to love? Are there things such as a fall hard girl or boys you can't live without?  What are people who are considered "fall hard".  For that matter what does it even mean?  I was called that once and never fully understood it.  Basically it means someone you can't live without.  Someone who can live without you but you can't live without them. But shouldn't everyone find that kind of love?  A love so pure and simple you couldn't imagine your life without it.  Have you found that kind of love?  Could you keep it or did you lose it?  Has your heart been broken by a love that made you feel like nothing else could or anything else will?  Do you feel like you lost your only chance for true love? I truly hope not, no one ever deserves to know that kind of pain. 

A broken heart might be the hardest, most painful thing we ever face.  It's crazy how in life most things that bring us the greatest joys also hold the power over us to crush us.  But isn't that what life is full of, a leap of faith.  Jumping head first into learning how to swim or dying in the process.  You know the saying "sink or swim"?  Well I always mess it up and say "sink or downed".  Not a very encouraging thing to say to people. But about a month ago while I was in a very dark place I wrote that down and had a epiphany "Oh wait! sink or drowned, no drowned or learn out to breath under water." We have control over our lives and the ability to love freely without strings.  We have the ability to change how we see things and not succumb to our surroundings.  It's not about your surroundings its about what you are made of.  

Love is a hard thing to understand and even harder to write about. Did I explain to you what loving without strings is? I truly hope so.  Do you think you love without strings.  Like I side at the beginning it's one of the hardest things to do. But one of the most rewording if you can figure out how to.  

Annaliese~

Thank You

When I think back through some of my darkest moments, the one thing holding me up has always been my friends. The way my psyche works, people mean a lot and add an enormous amount of significance to my life. Their opinions, their values, their advice, their words: I take it all to heart. When they hurt, I hurt. When they laugh, I laugh. You could say I "sync" up with people easily. I connect with people on a level I never knew existed and to be honest, would have never chosen to do if I had a choice in the matter.

I have been gifted with some amazing friends. When I sit back and think about each individual I have in my life, it blows my freaking mind. I never went out and looked for them. I never sat down and prayed for them to enter into my life. They just subtly entered. And I love them for that reason.

When I've hated myself, they've showed me I was worth loving. When I've been sick, they've offered to drop everything. When I'm drowning in depression, they show me where the light is. When I can't see Jesus, they show me how to find him. I have grown beyond belief because of the people in my "inner circle."

They have stuck with me through the thick of it all.

Through the pain.

Through the tears.

Through the heartache.

Through the suffering.

Why? What have I possibly done to deserve this kind of love? How have I gotten to this point where people are willing to drop everything for me?

I have done absolutely nothing. I can never do anything to deserve this. 

And I never will.

Thank you to all the people in my life. Thank you for the support. Thank you for the long walks on the pier. Thank you for picking me up when I have an anxiety attack. Thank you for answering my phone calls. Thank you for understanding me through the tears and convulsions. Thank you for wasting your gas to come see me.Thank you for the sacrifices of time and energy.

Thank you.

Blinded

What is religion?  Is it really that important, do we humans have to have it?  Well, I think religion is useless.  You might be thinking, "What are you talking about, you heathen?!"  I'm anything but a heathen and I do believe in a God. But I think we get so caught up in the "religious" part of faith we lose sight of what it's really about.  When was the last time you prayed, went to church?  Okay, now when was the last time you prayed to God as a friend or actually got something out of going to church.  Most likely it's been awhile and thats perfectly ok.  Forget religion and focus on growing closer to God. If you aren't getting anything from church stop going and study your Bible at home.  Don't focus on the vanity of religion, focus on your relationship with God because in the end that's all that matters. No one will care ten years from now if you went to church every Sunday.  All they will care about is who you are as a person.  Religion should have less to do with the church face you put on and more to do with the things you do in the shadows.  If no one was watching would you be the same person?  Would you help someone if you weren't a christian? Or does Christianity make you the person you are?  It shouldn't, you should be a good person whether or not the Bible says so.   I can't tell you how many people I have met that were so much better than "church goers". Because church means nothing its simply a place you can go to meet fellow believers.  Or is it?

Lets shift gears for a moment.  What if one of your best friends told you they cut, or that they are gay, or they have suicidal thoughts? Would you freak out, disown them, or try and help?  Would it depend on which one it was?  What if they used to cut? Or they attempted suicide and all thats left is scars?  You might think there is just to much darkness inside them that you can't handle it, what if they start back? What would you do! Or would you say its ok to be different but you need to stop hurting yourself.  It's ok you are gay, love is love.  Would your beliefs get in the way of someone trusting you with somethings so big?  I mean telling someone any of those things is a big thing, the bravery it takes is unbelievable.  The trust they have in you to share with you the hurt they face everyday.  Would you be the one to let religion get in the way. A religion that tells you to love everyone, get in the way of helping someone who is alone?  Alone in this dark world full of people who would leave.  Just up and leave say you couldn't handle it, say how could you hurt yourself, you know how much that hurts me.  Would you make it a selfish thing, where you only care about your beliefs and not the pain they feel.  But you know what, the people that hurt the most are usually the ones that love the deepest, care the most, and want to help in any way.  Because they know the darkness and how much it takes out of you to carry that kind of a burden around.  It's no easy task to bear the world on your shoulders especially by yourself.   So all this being said of course you wouldn't leave your friend if your hearts in the right place.  If you're focused on God and not just religion.  Because religion is ever changing, but God is the only constant.  Love above everything, forgive everyone, and know being a Christian has nothing to do with the fact you go to church and everything to do with how you treat people.  God came to earth to save us, to show us love.  Yet we tare each other apart in the name of faith, in the name of a God who only wants us to love each other, to love him the creator of the world.

Alrighty back to what I was talking about before.  Fake Christianity is a thing and it's mostly made up of people who believe themselves to be real Christians.  I run into this a lot, people saying one thing but their actions show other wise.   Actions do speaker louder than words they always will because what you do in the shadows, when no one is watching,  that's the person you truly are.  Would you call yourself a real or a fake Christian?  Would you leave a hurting person simply because it went against what people told you, you believed?  I truly hope not because those that hurt can bring so much light into your life.  Never leave someone simply because they are hard to love, the good ones will never come easily. Everyone has broken edges don't ever let that get in the way of showing them the love they have gone without.  People hurt, we all hurt so don't leave someone simply because they hurt themselves or love someone their same gander.  That's no reason to leave in fact it's every reason to stay not to change them, but to show them that it's ok and no matter what they are worthy of the love the receive and deserve so much more.  Be the friend you wish you had, that's my goal in life.  To be the person I always wanted to have.  To be a light in the darkness, showing everyone that comes into my life that they mean the world to me and I'll go the extra mile just for them.  Because in the need all that matters is you loved freely without strings.  That's all that ever matters.

I love you so much, keep being wonderful and never give up on life because it will get better.
Annaliese~

Where's Your Motivation?

We live in a world of going through the motions.  That's it, get up go to work, come home, get ready for tomorrow, repeat...repeat..repeat... Hey a vacation!...back to work..repeat...  So where did your drive go, your goals, your sense of adventure, your passions? What did one day all of a sudden you just had no desire to set goals for yourself, to push yourself to become the best you could be?   We lack motivation to stand out and be different, we are afraid of a fall, of the failure that might come with setting ourselves goals.  But without goals how do we expect to grow, to change, to learn? We simply can't.  "I can't" is stupid, I was talking to a friend the other day and said "I can't do it" over and over again, but you know what I can do it.  It will take time and hard work but I CAN DO IT.  Everyone has days where they have no motivation or drive to do anything and believe me when I say I have those a lot.  Nothing seems to be going right, I just want to give up, but then I remember that I have set myself goals I have things I want to do with my life.  And I know that in ten years I would regret giving up.  So why is it so hard to set goals and achieve them? In all honesty I don't have an answer.  You might be thinking why are some goals easy and others are hard, even if the difficulty levels of reaching them are the same? I don't have an answer to that either.  I'm not being very helpful today am I....Oh well its been a long week.

Let's talk goals.  Do you have any set? Are you striving for something? Maybe it's to run a faster mile, learn how to cook, make new friends, or as simply as learn to love yourself.  Now that last one isn't that simply at all.  It might in fact be the hardest to do but when said everyone thinks it's simply. I mean how hard is it really to love yourself? But you know what, if you don't love yourself you won't set goals, you won't strive to become better.  Because without enough self-love there's no reason to have motivation to do anything. Self-love is hard, it takes patience, forgiveness, a lot of forgiveness, understanding, and hard work.  You don't just wake up one day and decide that everything that you hate about yourself, all the lies you're feeding yourself aren't true.  There's no quick fix to a hate within ourselves. One that is embedded so deeply within it seems like a part of who we are.  Well there was a time when you didn't have that deep hate and you were full of motivation. Everything in life goes back to love, it's what makes us tick. Without self-love we have no motivation, no forgiveness, we have nothing.  Once you can love yourself you can truly grow.  You have to love yourself to give yourself forgiveness.  To give anyone forgiveness for that matter.  Motivation means so much more than just going to the gym or finishing that paper.  It's setting goals, trying new things, going on adventures, it's everything in life worth living.

Let's go back to self-love for a moment. Do you love yourself? Answer honesty.  If I asked you to give me a list of things you loved how long would it take you to say "I love myself"?  Why has someone loving themselves become a bad thing, but we tell each other to love ourselves.  It's the biggest double standard we have.  You hear everywhere that you need to love yourself, but as soon as you do people judge you, call you selfish, ask what's wrong.  Umm excuse me but you told me I needed to love myself, now that I have worked so hard to get here you give me funny looks. Does it scare the people who are insecure? Have you ever seen someone who walks with such confidence and you're over here like man I wish I had that much confidence in myself.  Well honey bun you can.  All you have to do is except yourself in this moment, realize you are already perfect in all of your imperfection.  Self-love is hard but once you can forgive yourself for past mistakes, letting of whatever is weighing you down you can get a foot in the door.  You can start to love yourself without strings.  Should you still strive to grow and become better, absolutely!  But in this moment you need to love yourself so you can grow and change. Change into the person you have always wanted to be. Don't get stuck in what other people think you are. If you suddenly decide to change your style go for it or you want to die your hair a color you never would, do it.  Do what makes you happy.  Be the person you want to be, not the person everyone thinks you are.  Because you might be the sky girl that never does anything wild, but turns out to be an out going, quirky girl full of love. Simply because your friends thought you were someone else, don't fall to peer pressure and never change.   Be driven to be the happiest you can be in this moment.  Stop waiting for the right moment to be happy.  Because there will never be the night moment, it will never come.  That's a fact.  You have today to live, so live it to the fullest.  Have the motivation to reach for your goals, to not only reach them but set harder ones.

Life is short do you really want to spend it simply going through the motions? I know I don't, and I don't think you do either.  Life has so much more to hold then that, so where is your motivation?  Lost somewhere in the past.  Forgotten while trying to make a living?  What happened to making a life while making a living?  I hope you can find your motivation again.

Annaliese~

Trust

"Trust"

Even when I say it some people cringe.

Trust is such an underrated and overused word, it gets old after a while.

"Just trust me," they say, "everything will be fine."

Um, no, everything will NOT be fine, thank you very much. How should you even be able to trust the person that tells you that? Do they even know what they're talking about?

With a grateful heart, I can honestly tell you that I trust people very easily. Some like to tell me, "Well, you better be careful with who you hang out with because you're going to be easily influenced." or "That's naive." but I am not ashamed. I am also not naive. I know what I believe in and what I stand for. Just because someone is has a teachable spirit and trusts in people easily does not make them of a naive or immature nature. I have many, many excuses to not trust in people. I have experienced the backlash of losing people's trust and people losing mine in them. But, at the end of the day, it's not worth it.

Mistrusting people is not worth an ounce of your selfish pride. It is not fair to yourself and especially the innocent people around you to walk around in a miserable fog of depression because of your mistrust in others. There are some pretty messed up people in the world but you can't profile every single person that walks by you and deem them "untrustworthy."

Going back to the fact that I trust people easily... I don't. My first reaction to everything and everybody is to hate them because who knows what damage they could do to my life? I CHOOSE to put aside my feelings and emotions and go out on a limb to trust people. Do I have to? Nope. But I refuse to live miserably and miss out on the amazing things in this life.

Face it. We live in a world full of people. You trust people every single day even when you don't know it. Whether it's from crying on someone's shoulder or receiving a hamburger from McDonald's. You trust people. It's just a fact of life.

So accept it. Stop being prideful. Trust.

Silent Battles

Silent battles, the fights we face everyday no one knows about or sees.  The battles we struggle with inside our minds that we let consume ourselves. A sense of loneliness we allow ourselves to dwell in. These are the battles we face everyday, that we try so hard to fight, to try and win a war that wasn't meant to be fought alone. This is a burden meant to be shared, not carried alone and suffered through.  So why do we insist going through this alone.  Well you might share your burden with others, whether it be a close friend, family member, or therapist you share it and thats good. Well I don't, I hold it in until I melt down, until I fall apart.  Not because I am strong but because I am too weak to face my emotions. Too scared to face the ugly truth, that I am broken and feel so alone sitting in a room of people I know care about me.  How selfish is it that I feel like this, I'm ashamed to say I have these feelings, these emotions of being alone when I'm loved, cared for, and worried about.  How can I say these things when I know otherwise? Am I feeding myself a lie? Or is a feeling a feeling regardless of the justification I can find.  Because is a feeling ever justified?  Whats love? Whats anger? Whats hate? What are emotions? They are the roots behind the silent battles, the reason we cry ourselves to sleep at night. They are the heartache we feel, the reasons behind our pain. But they are also the reasons for our greatest joys, the best memories, the reasons to live.  So how can something that brings so much joy and love also be the reason for our greatest pains.  Emotions are crazy and we have very little control over them. Something so ever present in our lives, yet we have very little control over them.  We face them everyday, we face the battles of love, hate, forgiveness, burdens that weigh us down. But for what?  Why do some face it alone and others share the burden?  Which is better, or is one better?  Some may grow better on their own, others need help. Not because one makes you weaker or stronger it's just who you are as a person.  I face things alone, you might share it with others.  Ever since I can remember I have felt like a burden to other people when I open up. When I am honest I'm vulnerable and vulnerability in my eyes, is a sign of weakness.  If you ever meet me tough probably won't be the first thing that comes to mind when trying to describe me. From my sneeze to my voice, I scream dainty.  So why when everything about me screams dainty and small I don't just allow myself to be a girl and cry my eyes out? In all honesty I don't have you an answer and I don't know if I ever will.

 But the silent battles we have come from within, we create them, we are the reason our minds dwell in the darkness, the negativity. The mind is a messy place to find yourself lost in, and I get lost a little too much in mine.  So what is one to do without a way to find myself, without a weapon to fight a battle I face everyday.  Well maybe you aren't suppose to "win" maybe the journey in which I am lost in is where I find myself.  Because when you're lost and have no destination, anywhere can be where you're suppose to be.  Any you found and you're happy with can be the you, you are looking for.  So maybe in these battles we fight daily we are really finding ourselves, accepting who we are, right now. Without strings attached to ourselves of who we believe we should be or the person we are searching to find. Maybe the silent battles we face are forcing us into the direction we need to go.  They are forcing us to find something, someone, to face our fears head on, and find ourselves.  To face our silent battles and become un-lost.  Or maybe just ok with the fact we are lost, being perfectly ok with the unknown of this life, this crazy, scary roller coaster of a life. As much as I hate silent battles we all face them, be it only every once in awhile or everyday it's something we can all relate to, sadly. I hope the wars that rages on within you help you grow into a strong person, a person grounded and true to themselves.  A battle won is a victory no matter how small it may seem.  Keeping fighting and never give up because in the end all that matters is that you kept fighting regardless of how hard it was.

Annaliese~

Disappointment

Disappointments; we have all had them and they can leave you feeling so many different ways, like you are on a roller coaster of emotions.  Well, I'm sad to report but I am on one right now.  Everything in my life feels like it is falling apart at the seams.  Nothing is going right, yet everything is.  I struggle with my emotions a lot because I feel they aren't justified, but a feeling is a feeling. If it upsets me, it's a big deal.  I don't know why I have always had such a hard time seeing that. I've always put people ahead of myself.  I thought myself to be a second choice, I held myself as strong and that's how people view me, but deep down inside I am weak, scared, and trying desperately to survive one more day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but is seems like it never gets better. As soon as the light comes through, the darkness sucks it out.  This is no way to live a life. It's not living. It's barely existing. My heart breaks that I'm so lost, searching for I don't know what. Love? Friendship? Happiness? Or am I searching for something deeper? Something like forgiveness, self-love, acceptance, am I searching for myself? Have I lost myself in life? Did I let the darkness in? Did I let it consume me to a point of never feeling justified in who I am? Never feeling like I matter, that I am a second choice even to myself? I have disappointed myself. But not in my failures, but by not growing, not changing, falling fault to the horrors of this world.  I have lost sight of the small things of the beauty hidden within.  I have lost sight of everything I held dear.  I'm changing, I can feel it. It's a joyous feeling but frighting because am I changing for the good? I'm no longer satisfied with myself, with the person I am. I disgust myself at how simple I am.  I want to be bold, brave, courageous, independent, but at the same time I strive to be humble, kind, loving, understanding, everything that smooths out my broken edges. The places where I don't let people in, the dark places I dwell in when I'm by myself.  Where my broken edges meet the beauty I hold within.  The true me I'm too scared to let out. Why? Because I am weak and scared, I'm lost in a scary world too fearful to fly, to let myself sore, simply because I might fall.  But living with a "what if" is beginning to bug me enough to try. To let go of my insecurities and fly away.  To become everything I dream to be.  The girl so humble and true to herself, her boldness is shocking.  Because she fears not what others think, but only concerns herself with what truly matters.  Being a light in the darkness, the shining star that people say if only I could stand alone with the confidence to do whats right.  I want to be the girl that doesn't disappoint but rather surprises you with her actions of love and building others up.  Because you must first know a brokenness within yourself to heal and use the knowledge you gained from silent battles to help those in need.

Annaliese~

What's the meaning of life?

The meaning of life, why are we here?  This question can get answered in so many different ways I won't even begin to name them.  To me the so called "meaning of life" is about living life to the fullest, seizing every crazy opportunity that life presents to you.  You only get one life so why spend it doing anything but living a life you are proud of, a life you won't regret.

I'm sitting outside writing this enjoying a beautiful cotton candy sunset wondering what I plan to do with my life and why my dinner looks like a five year olds plate. (You only live once so why not eat cucumber sticks and dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.)  Life is not suppose to be fancy and full of endless adventures, it's about having friends you can laugh with and cry with.  Surrounding yourself with the dreamers, the risk takers, the thinkers, the people who will push you to become the best version of you.  Life can be hard, it can suck at times. I'm learning that the hard way unfortunately, but whats an easy life?  My thoughts on an easy life, is a life wasted. Without trials would we ever grow, without heartbreak would we know true love, what about happiness without sadness?  Hard times help you know when you are in the good ones.  You can't see the stars without the darkness and so many people are scared of the dark, simply because of the unknown it brings.  But the way I look at it, without the darkness there is no beauty, no love, no realizing how blessed you truly are.  In a sense, no reality check, sometimes you have to lose something to find something better.


So I challenge you to this- Next time things aren't going the way you had hoped, or you're just feeling down on yourself, remember that sometimes you have to break before you can glow.  Just like a glow stick.

 Never give up because you are here for a reason, one that will blow your mind.  You are meant for great things, we all are.  The world sometimes gets hold of us and fills our minds with horrible thoughts of ourselves that aren't even a tiny bit true.  But for some reason we let them live with us haunting us day and night.  I don't know about you guys, but something happens at night and I can't stop these thoughts, they thrive in the darkness. Maybe that's why we are scared of the dark because with it, it brings bad thoughts, your worst fears, nightmares you can't forget.  Darkness rules the night, but so do the stars with their beauty and light. Next time you feel surrounded by the darkness, so sad you can't do anything, remember that the stars only come out in the darkness. You may not be able to see them because they are covered up, but they are still there shining bright.  We are all beautiful humans trying our best to figure out who we are and our individuality in a world where we are told to be unique and laughed at for being different.  Never let this world get you so down you give up, you can't let the darkness win.

So maybe that's the meaning of life, finding your footing enough to stand up for who you are as a person.  Not shying away from a challenge, having the courage to be bold, get laughed at, but still be soft and sweet on the inside.  Maybe, just maybe the true meaning of life is living in a cruel, hard world and staying soft, giving love, showing people that there is still good in this world.  No matter what the "true" meaning of life is I would like to think is has something to do with learning how to love and love without strings.

I hope after reading this it gives you the courage to do something crazy, something you weren't brave enough to do before.  Always remember that I believe in you, the world is at your fingertips as soon as you find the courage to grasp it.  You have alway had it in you to do the impossible, so keep your chin up and do great things.

love you a lottle,
Annaliese~