Resisting Myself

Sometimes I feel like there's no hope. None. Nil. 

I feel stuck in a cycle of mass perfection that won't stop. I always have a need to cross every t and dot every i. Every mistake in my life I earnestly try to fix, and if I can't, I bury it deep inside of me so no one will ever see that I made a mistake. That I am a mistake. 

I can't ever say"no," either. I mean, why would I? My life doesn't revolve around me - it revolves around other people. About a month ago, I tried doing some things for myself and consequently had an emotional breakdown from feeling so selfish. Was I being selfish? No, but I sure as heck felt selfish. When it comes to putting myself or others first, I will always pick others. 

It's an odd feeling - feeling hardwired that is. Rationally, I know I need to make time for myself and listen to my own needs, but the way my psyche works, it goes against everything in my being to say, "Buy that for yourself. You deserve it." When I have a nice night out with a friend, I feel guilty. When I watch one too many episodes on Netflix, I feel guilty. When I haven't spent enough time with my family for the week, I feel guilty. When I promise someone I would do something for them but get sick, I feel guilty. When I spend too much time on Pinterest instead of studying, I feel guilty.

Does the guilt ever end? I used to think not, but as of late, I've started to change my mind. I don't won't to be stuck in this vicious cycle of perfectionism all my life. I want to be able to let go and enjoy life. I want to do things spur-of-the-moment and not feel guilty. I WANT all these things, and the only way I'm going to achieve them is if I my make a conscious decision to resist myself. To resist the lies that have been ingrained in my head and become someone who I really want to be - the actual person I am. I've got to be okay with letting my mistakes and my past bubble to the surface. I can't hide the things that have made me who I am. I have to embrace them and learn from them. 

Every morning I have to look in the mirror and say, "You are allowed to say no. Say no to the perfectionism. Say no to the lies. Say no to the people." 

If you think this is selfish, maybe you should step back and look at your own life. Is saying "yes" to yourself really that selfish? It could be the difference between life or death for someone - literally. One of the sole reasons why young teens today commit suicide is because they can never say "no" to other people. They don't know how know to say no to the lies, bullying, and screaming in their head, so they permanently fix it.   

It's a long and hard struggle. Trying to become someone new is never easy, but it IS possible and it's worth it. Why is it worth it? 

Because I'm worth it.