An Angry Word

This might be the oddest thing you have ever read, but do you think an upper case N looks angry?

Well I do and I honestly don't know why.  It might be because of the words it starts or the points you just can't smooth out.  One word I find to be very angry is "No".  Whenever I hand write this is makes me feel so sad and afraid.  And yes I am aware of how weird this sounds.  But "No" often times is followed by disappointments, hurt feelings, sadness, and anything else less than desirable.  But "No" is a word that is a necessary evil. We are afraid to say "No" because of what? Because you think it looks scary too?  Maybe you don't realize it, but you're afraid of the word "No" as well.  Perhaps not for the same reasons I am but reasons non the less.  

Are you afraid to tell someone "No"?

Are you afraid of being told "No"?

Does that word send a chill up your spin? It does mine, it sends signals to brace myself for disappointments and dreams fallen.  But why am I so afraid of a fall, of being told "No"?  Maybe it's from past disappointments or simply my personality.  I tend to get very excited and look forward to things a lot.  Which leads to many disappointments and in a sense a fear of being told "No".  But then again "No" is a part of life.  Without "No" we live lives of obligations and not freedoms.  We have to be able to tell someone "No".  We have to be able to use that scary upper case N to allow ourselves freedom over our own lives.

"No" is a two way scary word.  We fear getting told "No" and we fear telling others "No".  We fear the rejection and the disappointments we will cause others.  But if you think about it "N" and "O" are by each other in the alphabet.  "No" is everywhere.   "No"one else seems to have a problem saying "No".  Your parents don't, your teachers don't, your friends don't, so why is it only you?  Or do you have a problem saying "No"?  

Back to the upper case "N", is it the letter itself I am afraid of or the words I associate with it?  "No" isn't the only word the sends a chill up my spin and I'm sure you have words that do the same.  It's interesting to me how letters strung together in different orders can have so many different meanings connected to them.  The human brain is an amazing thing, but sometimes it does make us feel things that aren't necessarily true.  Like a fear of an upper case letter.  How we associate things amazes me.  After all that's what I have done here, I have associated anger with a letter.  

Before you go off and judge people for their views or how they associate things, first think about how you view the world.  Everyone thinks and views the world differently. Stay opened minded because you never know what you'll find when you stop and listen to the views and opinions of others.  Who knows you might even find someone else that thinks a letter is angry. 

Annaliese~

Resisting Myself

Sometimes I feel like there's no hope. None. Nil. 

I feel stuck in a cycle of mass perfection that won't stop. I always have a need to cross every t and dot every i. Every mistake in my life I earnestly try to fix, and if I can't, I bury it deep inside of me so no one will ever see that I made a mistake. That I am a mistake. 

I can't ever say"no," either. I mean, why would I? My life doesn't revolve around me - it revolves around other people. About a month ago, I tried doing some things for myself and consequently had an emotional breakdown from feeling so selfish. Was I being selfish? No, but I sure as heck felt selfish. When it comes to putting myself or others first, I will always pick others. 

It's an odd feeling - feeling hardwired that is. Rationally, I know I need to make time for myself and listen to my own needs, but the way my psyche works, it goes against everything in my being to say, "Buy that for yourself. You deserve it." When I have a nice night out with a friend, I feel guilty. When I watch one too many episodes on Netflix, I feel guilty. When I haven't spent enough time with my family for the week, I feel guilty. When I promise someone I would do something for them but get sick, I feel guilty. When I spend too much time on Pinterest instead of studying, I feel guilty.

Does the guilt ever end? I used to think not, but as of late, I've started to change my mind. I don't won't to be stuck in this vicious cycle of perfectionism all my life. I want to be able to let go and enjoy life. I want to do things spur-of-the-moment and not feel guilty. I WANT all these things, and the only way I'm going to achieve them is if I my make a conscious decision to resist myself. To resist the lies that have been ingrained in my head and become someone who I really want to be - the actual person I am. I've got to be okay with letting my mistakes and my past bubble to the surface. I can't hide the things that have made me who I am. I have to embrace them and learn from them. 

Every morning I have to look in the mirror and say, "You are allowed to say no. Say no to the perfectionism. Say no to the lies. Say no to the people." 

If you think this is selfish, maybe you should step back and look at your own life. Is saying "yes" to yourself really that selfish? It could be the difference between life or death for someone - literally. One of the sole reasons why young teens today commit suicide is because they can never say "no" to other people. They don't know how know to say no to the lies, bullying, and screaming in their head, so they permanently fix it.   

It's a long and hard struggle. Trying to become someone new is never easy, but it IS possible and it's worth it. Why is it worth it? 

Because I'm worth it. 

Without we are Nothing...

Without this we are nothing.  Our lives have no purpose. You could have the whole world but without this one small thing, our lives are worthless.  Love, without love we have nothing, we are nothing.
1 Corinthians 13:1-7 say,
If I speak with human eloquence and angelic ecstasy but don't love, I am nothing but the creaking of a rusty gate. If I speak God's Word with power, revealing all of His mysteries and making everything plain as day, and if I have faith that says to a mountain, "Jump," and it jumps, but I don't love, I am nothing. If I give all I own to the poor or even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don't love, I've gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, no matter what I believe, no matter what I do, I am bankrupt without love.

Love feeds everything. I did a speech on how to love yourself the other day because I know that the world we live in is ripping us apart. We are ripping ourselves apart.  Never forget that you too are deserving of the love and forgiveness you so willingly share with others. And never tare people apart in the hope of building yourself up, negativity will only bring negativity.  Start with yourself first because once you are made whole you will begin to heal others in a way you never knew possible. You must know a deep love within yourself to be able to give a love the depth of the ocean would be jealous of. Because after all, don't we all want a love so deep we barely understand it. Love that goes the extra mile when we didn't think it could take on more step.

Loves a funny thing that most people don't fully understand, but it doesn't need to be understood just given and taken without strings are contingency.

Remember to love often, making sure that the love is warm and strong, making the hardest people soft and comforted. We all deserve love, so don't hold it back because you don't think the person needs or deserves it. Because most likely they are the ones who desire it the most.  Don't forget that you too need to forgive yourself, because forgiveness is the beginning of love.

Annaliese~

Life calls for stupidity

Life calls for stupidity. Wait what? Yes you read that right, life calls for stupidity.  Now before you freak out let me explain.  Stupidity is one thing we are surrounded with and long to escape from; however, without it we wouldn't have the guts to do anything.  Stupid is what leads us to do the crazy.  Maybe its a stupid idea to take a gap year, but without that you may not grow in a way that molds you into a strong person.  Stupid ideas often lead to wonderful endings. Just make sure you don't leave your brain behind when you go off on your "stupid" adventure.  Because often times people mistake an opportunity to grow for a stupid idea and a wast of time.  But just because others don't see the value in what you want to do and put your time and effort into doesn't mean its less or a stupid idea.  Make sure your outside the box and growing in every detraction without the restricting walls you had will staying in a safe and smart comfort zone.

All good things in life call for a hint of stupidity because without stupidity we don't have the guts to do anything.  How many people do you think looked at the light bulb and thought, "dude that is such a stupid idea we already have lamps that burn with fire."  Know in your heart that no matter how crazy, stupid, and out there an idea is if its your dream to do it, follow your heart and show those peoples that stupid sometimes leads to greatness.

A lot of our feelings need "stupid" to work.

Bravery takes stupidity.  No sane person will stand up and go against the norm because they may be judged or looked at as a stupid weirdo.

It takes stupidity to fall in love. No sane person puts themselves out there knowing full well they could get hurt.  It takes a crazy, stupid love to do that to yourself.  It takes bravery and like i said before bravery needs a hint of stupid to work.

It takes stupidity to follow your dreams and passions when they take you off the "safe and smart" path that has been pre-paved for you.

If you look at it most things need the boldness stupid brings to the table.

I'm not saying being stupid is a good thing.  I'm saying if someone says your dream is stupid, show them just how stupid their little box is they are trying to squeeze you into.

Now aren't you glad you have some stupidity in you?

Annaliese~