Trust

"Trust"

Even when I say it some people cringe.

Trust is such an underrated and overused word, it gets old after a while.

"Just trust me," they say, "everything will be fine."

Um, no, everything will NOT be fine, thank you very much. How should you even be able to trust the person that tells you that? Do they even know what they're talking about?

With a grateful heart, I can honestly tell you that I trust people very easily. Some like to tell me, "Well, you better be careful with who you hang out with because you're going to be easily influenced." or "That's naive." but I am not ashamed. I am also not naive. I know what I believe in and what I stand for. Just because someone is has a teachable spirit and trusts in people easily does not make them of a naive or immature nature. I have many, many excuses to not trust in people. I have experienced the backlash of losing people's trust and people losing mine in them. But, at the end of the day, it's not worth it.

Mistrusting people is not worth an ounce of your selfish pride. It is not fair to yourself and especially the innocent people around you to walk around in a miserable fog of depression because of your mistrust in others. There are some pretty messed up people in the world but you can't profile every single person that walks by you and deem them "untrustworthy."

Going back to the fact that I trust people easily... I don't. My first reaction to everything and everybody is to hate them because who knows what damage they could do to my life? I CHOOSE to put aside my feelings and emotions and go out on a limb to trust people. Do I have to? Nope. But I refuse to live miserably and miss out on the amazing things in this life.

Face it. We live in a world full of people. You trust people every single day even when you don't know it. Whether it's from crying on someone's shoulder or receiving a hamburger from McDonald's. You trust people. It's just a fact of life.

So accept it. Stop being prideful. Trust.

Silent Battles

Silent battles, the fights we face everyday no one knows about or sees.  The battles we struggle with inside our minds that we let consume ourselves. A sense of loneliness we allow ourselves to dwell in. These are the battles we face everyday, that we try so hard to fight, to try and win a war that wasn't meant to be fought alone. This is a burden meant to be shared, not carried alone and suffered through.  So why do we insist going through this alone.  Well you might share your burden with others, whether it be a close friend, family member, or therapist you share it and thats good. Well I don't, I hold it in until I melt down, until I fall apart.  Not because I am strong but because I am too weak to face my emotions. Too scared to face the ugly truth, that I am broken and feel so alone sitting in a room of people I know care about me.  How selfish is it that I feel like this, I'm ashamed to say I have these feelings, these emotions of being alone when I'm loved, cared for, and worried about.  How can I say these things when I know otherwise? Am I feeding myself a lie? Or is a feeling a feeling regardless of the justification I can find.  Because is a feeling ever justified?  Whats love? Whats anger? Whats hate? What are emotions? They are the roots behind the silent battles, the reason we cry ourselves to sleep at night. They are the heartache we feel, the reasons behind our pain. But they are also the reasons for our greatest joys, the best memories, the reasons to live.  So how can something that brings so much joy and love also be the reason for our greatest pains.  Emotions are crazy and we have very little control over them. Something so ever present in our lives, yet we have very little control over them.  We face them everyday, we face the battles of love, hate, forgiveness, burdens that weigh us down. But for what?  Why do some face it alone and others share the burden?  Which is better, or is one better?  Some may grow better on their own, others need help. Not because one makes you weaker or stronger it's just who you are as a person.  I face things alone, you might share it with others.  Ever since I can remember I have felt like a burden to other people when I open up. When I am honest I'm vulnerable and vulnerability in my eyes, is a sign of weakness.  If you ever meet me tough probably won't be the first thing that comes to mind when trying to describe me. From my sneeze to my voice, I scream dainty.  So why when everything about me screams dainty and small I don't just allow myself to be a girl and cry my eyes out? In all honesty I don't have you an answer and I don't know if I ever will.

 But the silent battles we have come from within, we create them, we are the reason our minds dwell in the darkness, the negativity. The mind is a messy place to find yourself lost in, and I get lost a little too much in mine.  So what is one to do without a way to find myself, without a weapon to fight a battle I face everyday.  Well maybe you aren't suppose to "win" maybe the journey in which I am lost in is where I find myself.  Because when you're lost and have no destination, anywhere can be where you're suppose to be.  Any you found and you're happy with can be the you, you are looking for.  So maybe in these battles we fight daily we are really finding ourselves, accepting who we are, right now. Without strings attached to ourselves of who we believe we should be or the person we are searching to find. Maybe the silent battles we face are forcing us into the direction we need to go.  They are forcing us to find something, someone, to face our fears head on, and find ourselves.  To face our silent battles and become un-lost.  Or maybe just ok with the fact we are lost, being perfectly ok with the unknown of this life, this crazy, scary roller coaster of a life. As much as I hate silent battles we all face them, be it only every once in awhile or everyday it's something we can all relate to, sadly. I hope the wars that rages on within you help you grow into a strong person, a person grounded and true to themselves.  A battle won is a victory no matter how small it may seem.  Keeping fighting and never give up because in the end all that matters is that you kept fighting regardless of how hard it was.

Annaliese~

Disappointment

Disappointments; we have all had them and they can leave you feeling so many different ways, like you are on a roller coaster of emotions.  Well, I'm sad to report but I am on one right now.  Everything in my life feels like it is falling apart at the seams.  Nothing is going right, yet everything is.  I struggle with my emotions a lot because I feel they aren't justified, but a feeling is a feeling. If it upsets me, it's a big deal.  I don't know why I have always had such a hard time seeing that. I've always put people ahead of myself.  I thought myself to be a second choice, I held myself as strong and that's how people view me, but deep down inside I am weak, scared, and trying desperately to survive one more day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but is seems like it never gets better. As soon as the light comes through, the darkness sucks it out.  This is no way to live a life. It's not living. It's barely existing. My heart breaks that I'm so lost, searching for I don't know what. Love? Friendship? Happiness? Or am I searching for something deeper? Something like forgiveness, self-love, acceptance, am I searching for myself? Have I lost myself in life? Did I let the darkness in? Did I let it consume me to a point of never feeling justified in who I am? Never feeling like I matter, that I am a second choice even to myself? I have disappointed myself. But not in my failures, but by not growing, not changing, falling fault to the horrors of this world.  I have lost sight of the small things of the beauty hidden within.  I have lost sight of everything I held dear.  I'm changing, I can feel it. It's a joyous feeling but frighting because am I changing for the good? I'm no longer satisfied with myself, with the person I am. I disgust myself at how simple I am.  I want to be bold, brave, courageous, independent, but at the same time I strive to be humble, kind, loving, understanding, everything that smooths out my broken edges. The places where I don't let people in, the dark places I dwell in when I'm by myself.  Where my broken edges meet the beauty I hold within.  The true me I'm too scared to let out. Why? Because I am weak and scared, I'm lost in a scary world too fearful to fly, to let myself sore, simply because I might fall.  But living with a "what if" is beginning to bug me enough to try. To let go of my insecurities and fly away.  To become everything I dream to be.  The girl so humble and true to herself, her boldness is shocking.  Because she fears not what others think, but only concerns herself with what truly matters.  Being a light in the darkness, the shining star that people say if only I could stand alone with the confidence to do whats right.  I want to be the girl that doesn't disappoint but rather surprises you with her actions of love and building others up.  Because you must first know a brokenness within yourself to heal and use the knowledge you gained from silent battles to help those in need.

Annaliese~

What's the meaning of life?

The meaning of life, why are we here?  This question can get answered in so many different ways I won't even begin to name them.  To me the so called "meaning of life" is about living life to the fullest, seizing every crazy opportunity that life presents to you.  You only get one life so why spend it doing anything but living a life you are proud of, a life you won't regret.

I'm sitting outside writing this enjoying a beautiful cotton candy sunset wondering what I plan to do with my life and why my dinner looks like a five year olds plate. (You only live once so why not eat cucumber sticks and dinosaur shaped chicken nuggets.)  Life is not suppose to be fancy and full of endless adventures, it's about having friends you can laugh with and cry with.  Surrounding yourself with the dreamers, the risk takers, the thinkers, the people who will push you to become the best version of you.  Life can be hard, it can suck at times. I'm learning that the hard way unfortunately, but whats an easy life?  My thoughts on an easy life, is a life wasted. Without trials would we ever grow, without heartbreak would we know true love, what about happiness without sadness?  Hard times help you know when you are in the good ones.  You can't see the stars without the darkness and so many people are scared of the dark, simply because of the unknown it brings.  But the way I look at it, without the darkness there is no beauty, no love, no realizing how blessed you truly are.  In a sense, no reality check, sometimes you have to lose something to find something better.


So I challenge you to this- Next time things aren't going the way you had hoped, or you're just feeling down on yourself, remember that sometimes you have to break before you can glow.  Just like a glow stick.

 Never give up because you are here for a reason, one that will blow your mind.  You are meant for great things, we all are.  The world sometimes gets hold of us and fills our minds with horrible thoughts of ourselves that aren't even a tiny bit true.  But for some reason we let them live with us haunting us day and night.  I don't know about you guys, but something happens at night and I can't stop these thoughts, they thrive in the darkness. Maybe that's why we are scared of the dark because with it, it brings bad thoughts, your worst fears, nightmares you can't forget.  Darkness rules the night, but so do the stars with their beauty and light. Next time you feel surrounded by the darkness, so sad you can't do anything, remember that the stars only come out in the darkness. You may not be able to see them because they are covered up, but they are still there shining bright.  We are all beautiful humans trying our best to figure out who we are and our individuality in a world where we are told to be unique and laughed at for being different.  Never let this world get you so down you give up, you can't let the darkness win.

So maybe that's the meaning of life, finding your footing enough to stand up for who you are as a person.  Not shying away from a challenge, having the courage to be bold, get laughed at, but still be soft and sweet on the inside.  Maybe, just maybe the true meaning of life is living in a cruel, hard world and staying soft, giving love, showing people that there is still good in this world.  No matter what the "true" meaning of life is I would like to think is has something to do with learning how to love and love without strings.

I hope after reading this it gives you the courage to do something crazy, something you weren't brave enough to do before.  Always remember that I believe in you, the world is at your fingertips as soon as you find the courage to grasp it.  You have alway had it in you to do the impossible, so keep your chin up and do great things.

love you a lottle,
Annaliese~