Silent Battles

Silent battles, the fights we face everyday no one knows about or sees.  The battles we struggle with inside our minds that we let consume ourselves. A sense of loneliness we allow ourselves to dwell in. These are the battles we face everyday, that we try so hard to fight, to try and win a war that wasn't meant to be fought alone. This is a burden meant to be shared, not carried alone and suffered through.  So why do we insist going through this alone.  Well you might share your burden with others, whether it be a close friend, family member, or therapist you share it and thats good. Well I don't, I hold it in until I melt down, until I fall apart.  Not because I am strong but because I am too weak to face my emotions. Too scared to face the ugly truth, that I am broken and feel so alone sitting in a room of people I know care about me.  How selfish is it that I feel like this, I'm ashamed to say I have these feelings, these emotions of being alone when I'm loved, cared for, and worried about.  How can I say these things when I know otherwise? Am I feeding myself a lie? Or is a feeling a feeling regardless of the justification I can find.  Because is a feeling ever justified?  Whats love? Whats anger? Whats hate? What are emotions? They are the roots behind the silent battles, the reason we cry ourselves to sleep at night. They are the heartache we feel, the reasons behind our pain. But they are also the reasons for our greatest joys, the best memories, the reasons to live.  So how can something that brings so much joy and love also be the reason for our greatest pains.  Emotions are crazy and we have very little control over them. Something so ever present in our lives, yet we have very little control over them.  We face them everyday, we face the battles of love, hate, forgiveness, burdens that weigh us down. But for what?  Why do some face it alone and others share the burden?  Which is better, or is one better?  Some may grow better on their own, others need help. Not because one makes you weaker or stronger it's just who you are as a person.  I face things alone, you might share it with others.  Ever since I can remember I have felt like a burden to other people when I open up. When I am honest I'm vulnerable and vulnerability in my eyes, is a sign of weakness.  If you ever meet me tough probably won't be the first thing that comes to mind when trying to describe me. From my sneeze to my voice, I scream dainty.  So why when everything about me screams dainty and small I don't just allow myself to be a girl and cry my eyes out? In all honesty I don't have you an answer and I don't know if I ever will.

 But the silent battles we have come from within, we create them, we are the reason our minds dwell in the darkness, the negativity. The mind is a messy place to find yourself lost in, and I get lost a little too much in mine.  So what is one to do without a way to find myself, without a weapon to fight a battle I face everyday.  Well maybe you aren't suppose to "win" maybe the journey in which I am lost in is where I find myself.  Because when you're lost and have no destination, anywhere can be where you're suppose to be.  Any you found and you're happy with can be the you, you are looking for.  So maybe in these battles we fight daily we are really finding ourselves, accepting who we are, right now. Without strings attached to ourselves of who we believe we should be or the person we are searching to find. Maybe the silent battles we face are forcing us into the direction we need to go.  They are forcing us to find something, someone, to face our fears head on, and find ourselves.  To face our silent battles and become un-lost.  Or maybe just ok with the fact we are lost, being perfectly ok with the unknown of this life, this crazy, scary roller coaster of a life. As much as I hate silent battles we all face them, be it only every once in awhile or everyday it's something we can all relate to, sadly. I hope the wars that rages on within you help you grow into a strong person, a person grounded and true to themselves.  A battle won is a victory no matter how small it may seem.  Keeping fighting and never give up because in the end all that matters is that you kept fighting regardless of how hard it was.

Annaliese~