Disappointment

Disappointments; we have all had them and they can leave you feeling so many different ways, like you are on a roller coaster of emotions.  Well, I'm sad to report but I am on one right now.  Everything in my life feels like it is falling apart at the seams.  Nothing is going right, yet everything is.  I struggle with my emotions a lot because I feel they aren't justified, but a feeling is a feeling. If it upsets me, it's a big deal.  I don't know why I have always had such a hard time seeing that. I've always put people ahead of myself.  I thought myself to be a second choice, I held myself as strong and that's how people view me, but deep down inside I am weak, scared, and trying desperately to survive one more day. Maybe tomorrow will be better, but is seems like it never gets better. As soon as the light comes through, the darkness sucks it out.  This is no way to live a life. It's not living. It's barely existing. My heart breaks that I'm so lost, searching for I don't know what. Love? Friendship? Happiness? Or am I searching for something deeper? Something like forgiveness, self-love, acceptance, am I searching for myself? Have I lost myself in life? Did I let the darkness in? Did I let it consume me to a point of never feeling justified in who I am? Never feeling like I matter, that I am a second choice even to myself? I have disappointed myself. But not in my failures, but by not growing, not changing, falling fault to the horrors of this world.  I have lost sight of the small things of the beauty hidden within.  I have lost sight of everything I held dear.  I'm changing, I can feel it. It's a joyous feeling but frighting because am I changing for the good? I'm no longer satisfied with myself, with the person I am. I disgust myself at how simple I am.  I want to be bold, brave, courageous, independent, but at the same time I strive to be humble, kind, loving, understanding, everything that smooths out my broken edges. The places where I don't let people in, the dark places I dwell in when I'm by myself.  Where my broken edges meet the beauty I hold within.  The true me I'm too scared to let out. Why? Because I am weak and scared, I'm lost in a scary world too fearful to fly, to let myself sore, simply because I might fall.  But living with a "what if" is beginning to bug me enough to try. To let go of my insecurities and fly away.  To become everything I dream to be.  The girl so humble and true to herself, her boldness is shocking.  Because she fears not what others think, but only concerns herself with what truly matters.  Being a light in the darkness, the shining star that people say if only I could stand alone with the confidence to do whats right.  I want to be the girl that doesn't disappoint but rather surprises you with her actions of love and building others up.  Because you must first know a brokenness within yourself to heal and use the knowledge you gained from silent battles to help those in need.

Annaliese~