Resisting Myself

Sometimes I feel like there's no hope. None. Nil. 

I feel stuck in a cycle of mass perfection that won't stop. I always have a need to cross every t and dot every i. Every mistake in my life I earnestly try to fix, and if I can't, I bury it deep inside of me so no one will ever see that I made a mistake. That I am a mistake. 

I can't ever say"no," either. I mean, why would I? My life doesn't revolve around me - it revolves around other people. About a month ago, I tried doing some things for myself and consequently had an emotional breakdown from feeling so selfish. Was I being selfish? No, but I sure as heck felt selfish. When it comes to putting myself or others first, I will always pick others. 

It's an odd feeling - feeling hardwired that is. Rationally, I know I need to make time for myself and listen to my own needs, but the way my psyche works, it goes against everything in my being to say, "Buy that for yourself. You deserve it." When I have a nice night out with a friend, I feel guilty. When I watch one too many episodes on Netflix, I feel guilty. When I haven't spent enough time with my family for the week, I feel guilty. When I promise someone I would do something for them but get sick, I feel guilty. When I spend too much time on Pinterest instead of studying, I feel guilty.

Does the guilt ever end? I used to think not, but as of late, I've started to change my mind. I don't won't to be stuck in this vicious cycle of perfectionism all my life. I want to be able to let go and enjoy life. I want to do things spur-of-the-moment and not feel guilty. I WANT all these things, and the only way I'm going to achieve them is if I my make a conscious decision to resist myself. To resist the lies that have been ingrained in my head and become someone who I really want to be - the actual person I am. I've got to be okay with letting my mistakes and my past bubble to the surface. I can't hide the things that have made me who I am. I have to embrace them and learn from them. 

Every morning I have to look in the mirror and say, "You are allowed to say no. Say no to the perfectionism. Say no to the lies. Say no to the people." 

If you think this is selfish, maybe you should step back and look at your own life. Is saying "yes" to yourself really that selfish? It could be the difference between life or death for someone - literally. One of the sole reasons why young teens today commit suicide is because they can never say "no" to other people. They don't know how know to say no to the lies, bullying, and screaming in their head, so they permanently fix it.   

It's a long and hard struggle. Trying to become someone new is never easy, but it IS possible and it's worth it. Why is it worth it? 

Because I'm worth it. 

Growing up

Who says you have to be miserable when you grow up?  Well I was talking to the wonderful Ms. Devin today complaining about how I was sleep deprived, hungry, lost, lonely and a whole bunch of other things.  And she said that was part of growing up.  But why I ask!  Why do I have to be miserable to grow up?  I don't think I should at all.  I know life has more to hold than being miserable in my pursuit of growing up.  Life should be fun, full of adventures, but most of all NOT MISERABLE!

If your life isn't what you want it to be find some motivation and change it.  The only thing stopping you from living a life you absolutely love, is you.  Your lack of drive.  Your lack of motivation.  Your lack of passion.  It all comes back to you and how hard you are willing to work for your dreams.  Can life suck, yes of course.  Will it be full of trials, heartache, nights of crying yourself to sleep, absolutely.  But that has nothing to do with growing up and everything to do with life.   But you know what?  You can change the life you have right now.  You hold the power to change the course you're taking right now, you hold the power over your own life.

People live in a mindset of powerlessness over their own life. Whether it be because of school, work, family, or whatever, they don't feel like they have the power to control their own life, their own destiny.  Drop out of school if its not helping you reach your goals or switch majors.  Find a new job that fulfills your dreams.  Don't let your parents opinions or beliefs hold yours back.  Know when to speak up but also know when words are better left unsaid.  Don't be afraid to stand up and go against everything everyone is saying because it goes against what they think you are.  What does it matter what they think you are, they aren't you.  They hold no power over your life. They don't know what battles you fight or what you have already been through.  How can they possible know what your heart longs to do when they haven't felt the things you have.  People are quick to judge with the small amount of information they have about you.  They think they know you by the chapter they have walked into but in fact you are a whole novel.

Be bold in who you are as a person.  I've talked before about being 100% you and age will help with that.  As we grow up we find ourselves, we become truer to ourselves.  Or maybe just more confident in being ourselves.  Regardless of the reasoning behind it age does change us.  I believe it has less to do with age and more to do with experiences.  Because what is age anyways but a numerical representation of the amount of time we have been here.  And only humans worry about time.  Naturally time doesn't exist it's only a figure of our imagination.

Shouldn't we be more focused on the quality of the "time" we spend together than the amount?  Age, time, deadlines, going through the motions of a modern life all of this is new.  We made our lives miserable in the pursuit of happiness. We forget what we are truly after and trie to please those around us.  What's that saying "Never get so busying making a living that you forget to make a life." Or something like that.  Reminder that, the things on this world are only temporary so focus on your life not your living.  Is money nice? What about a big house?  Lots a fancy things?  Yes all of those are good, but what about your dreams or ambition?

Would your five year old self be proud of who you are?  Would they be happy with your choices?  Did you follow your dreams in becoming the person you longed to be?  Or did you let the adult "grown up" world crush you? I surly hope not.  I hope you haven't lost your sense of adventure and imagination.

Take a step back and just breath today.  Relax a little and look at where you are.  Are you truly happy with the track you are on.  Or are you miserable in your pursuit of happiness?  That's a funny thing to think about, isn't it?

Keep pushing, you'll find what you're looking for in your pursuit of a life worth living.

Annaliese~